Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 15:03:54 -0000
From: "Cerberus" via newsgroup "aus.jokes"
Subject: Pilot jokes
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Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land ?
Tower: Oh, who's talking ?
Pilot: Me
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Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727 ?
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Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL
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Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic
====================================
Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar: Ro avoid what ?
Pilot: To avoid delay
====================================
Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here.
How is my groundspeed ?
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very well.
====================================
Captain: (after landing a bit rough)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour.
You just received two landings for the price of one.
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 Top
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 19:20:57 -0000
Organization: Mr FBI
Via Newsgroups:aus.jokes
Subject: Hotshot Pilot
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort
for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like
a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I
can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
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Top
From: aus.jokes; Chris
Date: Friday, 30 June 2000 7:20
Subject: Just a few basic rules!
1. Every takeoff is optional.
Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller.
That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back,
then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous.
Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool.
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.
No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.
A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others.
You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
of arrival.
Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide
out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag
of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour,
the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience.
Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.
And it's not subject to appeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are;
(a) the altitude above you,
(b) runway behind you,
(c) and a tenth of a second ago.
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Top
Date: Friday, 17 April 2009 21:53
From: Kramer Subject: Short Field Landing
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they
had never been to before.
The captain called the control tower advising them he was low on fuel
and wanted a straight in approach and was informed it was OK to land as required
He looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:
"Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short before!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! You’re right! That's incredible!
Are you sure we can make it?" - "Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their
heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set
the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed.
The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched down and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the
runway, the tires smoking.
"PHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
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