From "Diesel Dan" via newsgroup "aus.jokes"
March 5, 1998
Titled:- Stupid Hunters
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in
Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a
large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the
pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane
won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those
animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over
the trees on take off"
"that's baloney!" says one of the hunters.
"Yeah", the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out
here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts!
He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger
than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can
do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost
made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end
of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,
scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all
through the bush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his
head to clear it, and said, "where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush,
looked around, and said, "I'd say....
About a hundred yards further than last year...."
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and from an unknown source:-
April 13, 1998
Title:- Police Radar
Police in Britain using a radar gun noted a reading of more
than 300 mph, just before their equipment fried.
Seconds later a low-flying Harrier jet hurtled past.
The police complained to the Royal Air Force about the
damage to their equipment, but the police were told to
consider themselves lucky.
The Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the radar and
triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface attack.
Fortunately for the police, the Harrier was not armed with
missiles.
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and via Computer Bob:-
April 13, 1998
Title:- Short Final . . .
A pilot planning a VFR flight was getting a weather briefing
from AFSS.
When told of a line of thunderstorms approaching the departure
airport the pilot asked:
"Well, if I'm IFR will the thunderstorms still be there?"
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Entered June 4. 1998
From our "out of the mouths of babes" file:-
The young student pilot was flying with an examiner for the
first time. The examiner said, "why don't we start with
something simple like straight and level?"
The student pilot replied, "okay, which do you want first?"
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Entered June 24. 1998
Recently overheard on Fargo (N.D.) Approach Control frequency:
"Cessna One Alpha Bravo, you have unidentified traffic at
2 o'clock, three miles, altitude unknown, over the railroad
tracks. Very slow moving primary target, might be a helicopter."
(Long pause.)
"Might be a train."
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Entered August 18. 1998
Airline pilots, like any of us, can have a tough time
finding their way around an unfamiliar airport.
One day at SJC (San Jose, Calif.), a UAL DC-10 was
headed into unfamiliar territory. Controllers observed
the aircraft come to a full stop just short of an
intersecting taxiway and remain motionless. After a moment,
Ground Control called and said, "UAL XXX turn right at that
taxiway."
There was no response.
Again the controller said, "UAL XXX turn right at that
taxiway."
No response.
After a few seconds, the controller tried a different approach:
"UAL XXX, turn toward the copilot", at which point the aircraft
made an immediate 90-degree turn to the right...
(Think about it ...it'll come to you.)
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From "Diesel Dan" via newsgroup "aus.jokes"
June 17, 1998
Titled:- Blonde Pilot
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to
learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in
use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the
helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing
great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting
to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000
feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed
about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the
wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I
turned off the big fan."
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If you liked that "Blonde Joke" try HERE
for another in text format.
Up
From "Andrew Kinlay Watson" via "aus.jokes"
August 25, 1998
Titled:- True Story
OK This one is not really airline - but it is to do with
flying and true too....
My dad had bought a light aircraft in the 70's and was very
proud of it. He took a friend for a flip - his friend was
rather bored by all this, but to feign interest, he pointed
to one of the many dials in the cockpit and asked "what is
that instrument for?"
My dad looked at him for a long time.
"That," he replied, "is the clock. It is for telling you the
time."
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From: "Bob Fenton" via Newsgroups: aus.jokes
September 9, 1998
Titled:- Flying Farmer
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had
never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane
and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$20 for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That's too much" said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make
you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without
uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make
any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost
screamed when my wife fell out."
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From an unknown source in the U.K.
October 31, 1998
Titled:- Student Pilot in Germany
The latest translations via the German Air Force
Instructors Manual for training of their student pilots.
AIRCRAFT:- der fliegenwagon
LIGHT AIRCRAFT:- der klienen fliegenwagon
CROP DUSTER:- das fliegenwagon mit der holinder buttun vor
puffen der poopauder auder
PASSENGER JET:- der groose fliegenwagon mit sckullsplitten
schremem spittenfirenbakof
PROPELLER:- der airfloggen fann
SELF STARTER:- der airfloggenfann flinger
CONTROL COLUMN:- das pushenpullen schtik
RUDDER PEDALS:- der tailschwingen, pushenpullen werke
PILOT:- der tailschwingen, pushenpullen werker
STUDENT PILOT:- der dumbkoff lernen fliegen
INSTRUCTOR:- der dumbkoff schtul mit der dumbkoff lerner
fliegen AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:- der schwienhund ubbenzie
tauer watchen aller oder dumdkoffs fliegen
WEATHER RADAR:- das elektroniken stormengerschniffer
GROUND STUDIES:- das hedschratchen bulwerken
LINK TRAINER:- boks mit aller fliegenwerks innit
V.F.R.:- lookenoutenseein fliegen
I.F.R.:- lissenwaitenhopen fliegen
FORCED LANDING:- trienen gebackonner graund mittout krashen
FIRST SOLOS:- trienen gebackonner graund mittout kraschen
alone
PRECAUTIONARY LANDING:- looken virst den kraschen
CROSSWIND LANDING:- trienen gebackonner graund mittout
kraschen sidevays
PARACHUTE JUMP:- trienen gebackonner graund mittout der
fliegenwagon
C.F.I.:- der fliegen fuehrer
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From Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Organization: EarthLink Network, Inc.
Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 07:38:36 -0800
Subject: Make me Feel Like a Woman
A lady is in a plane full of people...the captain informs the
passengers that they are going to crash. She loses it....stands
up and yells at the top of her lungs....she has never been made
to feel like a real woman.
Is there anyone in here who can make me feel like a real woman?
Everyone is quiet. Then this hunk stands up and says...
"I can make you feel like a real woman"....
He has long gorgeous hair....great body...he is gorgeous....
she smacks her lips....as he is walking down the isle...
he is seductively unbuttoning his shirt....walking slowly
towards her....she is getting more and more excited as he gets
closer.....then just as he reaches her...he slips off his shirt
....she is so hot with anticipation.....he hands her his shirt
......says, "here, iron this".
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From Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Organization: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: Sat Nov 14 10:36:54 1998
Subject: Where's the Plane Going?
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight
was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed
the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from
the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.
Everyone was then told the new gate number, which was some
distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find
that a third gate had been designated for them. After some
further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were
settling in, the flight attendant made the standard
announcement,
"We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate
change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your
destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane'
at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the
cockpit, carrying his bags, "sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
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From Newsgroups: aus.jokes
MsKitty@katscratch.com
Date: Sat, 05 Dec 1998 10:39:02 GMT
Subject: Proper Use of a Parachute
The student pilots were being instructed on the proper
use of parachutes.
"What if one doesn't open?" asked a student" Couldn't I be
killed?'
"That my friend," answered the instructor, "is known as...
jumping to a conclusion."
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From Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Organization: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 23:43:08
Subject: Engine Failure
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto,
the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our
engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about our
flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still
have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine
has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours.
But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has
failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours.
But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat
and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here
all day!"
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From Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Organization: Mr Funny Bone International
Date: Thu, 14 Jan 1999 21:45:06
Subject: Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their
eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the
engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the
runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the
stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts
accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers
are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end
of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers
aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
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From: "Ten"
Organization: A Dynamite Internet Service
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 03:34:36 +1000
Subject: Ace Pilot
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service
during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation
that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. The
very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on
the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and
assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot
down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he
found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled
the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He
threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the
captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very
first day?" The captain turned around, bowed, and replied,
"You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
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Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 23:39:06 +0100
From: "Mr Funny Bone International"
Organization: Mr Funny Bone International
Subject: Engine trouble at 40,000 feet
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Joe
looked out the window.
"Good lord!" Joe screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly
the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine
exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses
couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured
everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and
his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better,
and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the
aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the
seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," Joe called over to the pilot, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said "Yes they are."
Joe then said, "But I thought you said there was nothing to
worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
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Date: Mon, 07 Jun 1999 22:01:49 +1000
From: John Visser
Organization: Zip World
Newsgroups: aus.aviation
Subject: Another humerous one!
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a
short-tempered lot.
They not only expected you to know your parking location but
how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British
Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and
stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate
location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience):"Speedbird 206, have
you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop"
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Subject: Ziggy's Joke o' the day
Date: 27 Jul 1999 05:39:09 GMT
A photographer from National Geographic magazine was
assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from
the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made.
He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane
would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near
the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's
go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and
within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or
three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he
responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Ziggy's Tip o' the day:
Don't bother subscribing to fitness or beauty magazines.
They'll only make you feel worse about yourself.
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